Chapter 1
Me — Nicky H.H. Grant
Nicky’s not short for Nicholas, though you probably thought it was. I’ll tell you what it’s short for – but if you’re the kind of person who makes fun of kids with weird names, I’d rather you closed this book right now. Just stop reading. Leave it on the bus or a park bench for a nicer kid to pick up. Unless you got it from the library, of course.
It’s Nickelodeon.
You probably know that Nickelodeon is a TV channel that plays cartoons all day. But a long long time ago, before TV, a nickelodeon was a movie theatre that charged a nickel to get in. I read that in the dictionary.
There. Now you know. My name means “cheap movie theatre.”
That’s not all. You’re probably wondering what the H.H. stands for in Nicky H.H. Grant. I may as well tell you: Ha Ha.
Go ahead. Laugh all you want. At least my name shortens to a normal name, but what about my poor little brother, Saggy? Saggy comes from his initials: S.A.G. Grant.
Guess. Just try to guess what that stands for.
Split A Gut.
I’m not kidding.
We asked them. We said, “Mom? Dad? Why did you give us these weird names?”
They said, “Because when you were born we could tell that you were both Very Serious Children.”
“How could you tell?” we asked.
“Because you were crying.”
They hoped our names would cheer us up.
Chapter 2
Mr. and Ms Toots
“Your Mom and Dad? They mean well.” That’s what Mr. Fudge kept telling us. “They’re happy people and they want everyone else to be happy too.”
Before I tell you about our parents, I have to issue a caveat. A caveat, in case you don’t know, is a warning. During every performance of Mr. Fudge’s Fantastic Flyers, he would announce, “Ladies and gentlemen, a caveat!” This was just before the cannon shot my dad into the stands. “The management is not responsible for injuries sustained due to impact with the flying clown!”
This is my caveat: If you’re the kind of kid who’s always dreamed of running away to join the circus, stop reading. Give this book to a sensible friend. Well, you can read the next chapter called “How We Lived,” but stop there. I don’t want to be the one to spoil your dreams.
Our mom and dad are circus clowns. When they’re performing, they go by the names Mr. and Ms Toots. They wear makeup, but their hair is real. I mean, it’s really that colour. “It’s natural!” Mom says. Their noses are foam balls. There’s a slit in the ball and you stuff your nose inside it. It doesn’t smell very good. Also for your information: their feet really aren’t that big.
When they’re not performing, when they’re Mr. and Mrs. Grant, my parents still seem like clowns. My mom wears dresses with big polka dots and my dad always sports a bowtie. They share socks. Striped ones, of course. Even if they wore jeans and T-shirts and plain socks like ordinary parents, I bet people would still guess what kind of work they did.
* * *
Saggy just came into my room (I have my own room now!) to ask what I’m doing. I told him, “I’m writing the story of our lives so far.”
“Does it have a happy ending?” he asked.
“So far it does,” I told him. “Of course, we’re not at the end yet. But I have a good feeling.”
“What part are you writing now?”
“I’m just telling how Mom and Dad are real clowns, not just people dressed up as clowns.”
“Tell them about their wedding rings.”
“Okay. Now get lost.”
* * *
They wear battery-powered wedding rings, but unlike ordinary married people, they wear them on their right hands. “Because we’re so right for each other,” says Dad. When you shake hands with them, the rings buzz and give off a tingly shock. Everyone is very surprised the first time, and no one shakes hands with them twice.
From Very Serious Children. Text copyright © 2007 by Carloine Adderson. All rights reserved.
